I Am Entitled

Because my ancestors paid their dues for their Asian and African descent
Because women from generations past paid their dues
Because I work my ass off, I am entitled
To my own intelligence, worth, well-being.
I am entitled to wealth,
to health, to respect, to dignity...

and not to live oppression

The word oppression frustrates me because it is dis-empowering. I get annoyed with the Ivory tower professors who use it as if they KNOW it as a LIVED experience. It's ridiculous and it's much more complex than they make it seem.

It is a word that feels helpless and solutionless. It makes me skin crawl.
As an educated, young, hard working person from an elite college, in the wealthiest  nation in the world; I shouldn't know that word. That word is the kind of word that, when I was a student facilitator for Campus Conversations on Race, we discussed in order to enhance campus rapport amongst different groups, so that when we get out in the world, we as educated people won't perpetuate things so much.

But now that I'm in the world, rather than my bubble of "people who care about things," I question how much of that is bullshit. How much of that was just student enthusiasm, and student movements, that are not translating into how people treat each other in the world.

My dream was to come out in 2011 and get a masters or PhD or make 70 grand off the bat with ample opportunity for growth and advancement from doing what I want to do and helping people because that's what I deserve. That's what I'm capable of. That's what my parents paid their dues for. That's what I went to school from 3 to 22 for. That's what my hard work should bring me. And I didn't suck at school so I should have been there. But I was not there, didn't get those career success stories off the bat, and still am not remotely close.

And in the real world, every now and again I have the kind of interactions with folks, which forces me to go straight to the gym and sweat out the dirtyness and scent of degradation and oppression that I feel penetrated by from those conversations. And they, as (I'm just gonna say it) White folks, have no damn idea.  It's hard to be a grown up and to realize I have to pick and choose my battles in order to progressively get to where I deserve to be but also to understand that I need to hold onto to my sense of self.

In college and high school, it's easy and ok to dislike White people for the terrible history of "oppression" they've created and obliviously perpetuated. It was ok to be annoyed at them for their sense of superiority and entitlement because they believe they were innately more capable and intelligent simply because of where they stand in society. And it was ok to laugh at them because of their lack of understanding of how history has played a role in that and is continuing to play a role in it. Because we were college students, and that was our role to be informed and to fight that ignorance.

I should have fought it harder. Because it feels like a reality now. The answering to folks who all look the same who hold certain positions of power frustrates me. The randomly having to prove myself to those people. Their complete oblivion to that, their belief that it was all their hard work that got them there frustrates me. Those interactions are poisonous. The fact that I pick and choose my battles and tip toe around that sometimes, frustrates me most of all.

I suppose it serves as motivation to be so much more than this because I deserve so much more than this.
And incrementally one day I will be way beyond them.
But at this moment, I'm frustrated because this is not where I'm supposed to be. I don't believe in that word, oppression, so I get disgusted every time it touches me.

I expect a lot from me and I expect a lot from people who look like me as far as education and career are concerned. Everything from who I date, to the expectations I set from people who I love, because I believe those things are to be reality, and people who don't believe big things can be reality don't exist in my circle. I had this conversation with family last night. But at the same time, I stated that I don't blame some people for feeling a little depleted by how society interacts with them and disrespects them AND simultaneously expects them to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps after that.
It is hard to erase all that and step above it, when as people of color it's an everyday reality that white people are privileged enough not to even acknowledge.

If I don't get to where I think I deserve to get by my 25th birthday, it will be time for starting over and finding something that feels right. That feels like I can dream and reach for the stars without settling. Sometimes I write my blog because it is like a big F you. It's a form of expression. I love this thing. And I am aware of everything I'm writing. Sometimes that's good. To be in touch with your true self.